My AP didnt make me do anything. Ohh if I had known about the indiscretions my H had. TH you really didnt offend me at all you know that is why Im here . Thanks also for your recommendation on letting the thoughts go and not wasting my energy ever thinking about him.. That really is the reason I need to give myself a break from this site. (I mean, the stereotype is that men want the variety that another woman provides and that women embark on this path because their husbands cannot meet their emotional needs.). 5 Ways to Fall Out of Love After Infidelity, 10 Definite Signs That Your Partner Is Fantasizing About Someone Else, How to Affair Proof Your Marriage: 15 Important Ways, 15 Signs of a Histrionic Narcissist in a Relationship, How to Make an Anxious Avoidant Relationship Work: 15 Ways, 15 Signs of Narcissistic Parents-in-Law and How to Deal With Them, 15 Signs of a Clinically Covert Narcissist Husband, Why Do I Attract Narcissists: 10 Reasons & Ways to Stop It, Denial Stage of Grief: Signs and How to cope, 10 Ways to Deal With Your Husband Not Wanting You, OCD and Sex: How OCD Can Impact Your Sex Life and How to deal, Treading Carefully: Getting Back Together After Separation, 3 Ways Separation in Marriage Can Make a Relationship Stronger, 10 Things You Must Know Before Separating From Your Husband, 12 Steps to Rekindle a Marriage After Separation, How to Have a Trial Separation in the Same House, Tips For Dating While Separated But Not Divorced, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. Good point now I need to convince my husband to stop being a people pleaser and fearing offending everyone. Trust=stupid. So, my husband is charming like that, but with everyone, even if they are 90-year-old men who are wheelchair bound. Its all he knows and his marriage is a safe place for him. I often wonder what my H OW thinks now that the affair is over, they no longer communicate and he is back home with is seemingly horrible wife. We discussed this with the MC and she agreed. Even if he does feel like theres something missing in his marriage, the love may still be there. You ask yourself how you could have been so blind as not to have seen what was going on behind your back. In Quiet, Susan Cain argues that we dramatically undervalue introverts and shows how much we lose in doing so.. Th, those damn sob stories. This is how they live; basically, their whole life is built around being able to score with another person. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. I would never intentionally say anything to hurt someone, well yes I would if they are a total asshole but certainly not anyone really trying to do right. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. "People who say a cheater can't change have never felt the awful guilt that comes when you realize you've . I wish HR honchos had to read it. And I dont mean that in a bad way. I believe he is now more open to not trusting anyone anymore. He doesnt want to break up the family, 4. He may come to see how loyal, devoted, and giving she is and recognize that hes not going to find anyone else who loves him like she does. "Essentially they will find a way to create time and space away from their mate early on to avoid raising suspicions later on," he says. The affair started when her marriage was already falling apart. I would not have had to endure the last 8 mos of this woman still in hs life and still reporting to him. I raise virtual champagne glasses in celebration: may what happened during those two years be only a tiny blip on the radar of a healthy, long-lived, loving, and fruitful life together. You and Linda, gave me hope that we could make it, that month my h stopped his contact, after he knew I was done. So staying married seems like the best option, at least for now. Address the person with your doubts (or proof) and let them know that you are aware of their 'fun' time. A cheater's secrets can often be revealed through their recent calls list, in text messages on their phone, or a private folder in their email. But not only are a cheater's secrets. Here is a quote from amazon about the book: At least one-third of the people we know are introverts. So in a way it was my fault for giving her what she needed, to get her hooks into him. Why does an iron rod become a magnet when current is passed through a coil of wire wrapped around the rod? (Number 1 is you). Dont give away your goodness to them. The thing that fuels serial cheaters is that they have no remorse. In the world we now live in I believe introversion is looked at as being a little peculiar. Deception is the key part of cheating. . Q: How did the affair evolve and what were some of the clues the wife could have seen? He knows its not his wifes fault that things have soured in the relationship. There are some women who get pulled into affairs even though they have no intention of doing so then there are women who seem to seek out to destroy the happiness of another woman. I will say your H needs to totally ignore her. Very openly complimentary. Anyone else out there have ideals similar to these and stick to them in all situations? Red flag 2: The fact that he heaped positive attention on someone he just met that is also a narcissists ploy to hook nice people into being under his spell. I have another assistant who is perfect and keeps her mouth shut and does her work. Ive seen several instances on here where affair partners still think the other person is good when evidence points to the contrary. If the pain of staying with this person outweighs the joy you have with them, tune into that because it is telling you something important. Typical behaviors of a narcissist can include attention-grabbing behavior on social media. You might cheat because you feel your partner doesnt satisfy your needs or vice versa. Now, hes not way too friendly with all of them primarily the pretty ones. No wins for the other woman, and 23 it is for you and your husband! Although sex addicts have a long standing pattern of using sex as a way to cope with feelings and with life generally, they also typically . OK huggggss to you and I will be raising my glass of Chablis to you tonight Eyes! Serial cheaters are good at avoiding established patterns or routines in a relationship, Kevin Darn, dating expert and author of My Cat Won't Bark! (And his friendlyness is in no way flirtatious if that makes sense. How effective are brass knuckles for self defense? If shes crossing boundaries in an unprofessional way, its up to hr to deal with it. One point for the good guys! Serial cheaters will give you just enough information to make you feel like you know them, but you might still be left guessing. Still, there are men who hope to stay married because they truly love their wives and want to work things out. If so, that's a blatant red flag your partner might be doing something suspicious. Generally, you should only stay married to a cheating man if he expresses genuine regret and is willing to work hard to improve the relationship and rebuild trust. He became a pro. I hate to say it, but with my H I have to be very firm with no chance of ambiguity on my part. He said his wife SUSPECTED hed had an affair and he said she did something really clever. Sure they can overcome it but it will take a lot of personal fortitude and work and even then they still know they can do it AND get away with it for a while. Im not one to soft soap or pull punches. You hear us lash out at the ow, that caused so much pain to us, and you dont take it personally, which I am so glad about. What a good thing you did, apologising and informing her that you are not a threat to her marriage, and that she has nothing yo fear, you will not be contacting her h again. That is what matters. She has invaded so much of my headspace, that I should be charging her rent. Maybe he doesnt think he will ever get caught so he doesnt see the harm in continuing both the affair and his marriage. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. My h ow, was also recently separated, kids, broke, stressing out how she was going to pay for her family, so of course all the sob stories to my h were about that too, ohhh how am I going to live, where am I going to live, blah blah blah. From hair trends to relationship advice, our daily newsletter has everything you need to sound like a person whos on TikTok, even if you arent. Out of body experiences. 2. If you've been cheated, trust that you're not alone in this experience and, though this is hurtful, it doesn't reflect on your worth as a partner or person. Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. But thats another story ! Anyway. Hugs to you. Serial cheaters have spent years practicing and perfecting ways to hide their dirty deeds. According to Dr. Nelson, the claim, "once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't necessarily true. He knew exactly what I was mad about and what he had done. There could be many reasons for a serial cheating husband to want to stay married, and all of them represent an inner conflict. When they are thinkin with the brain in their tail , all bets are off because tail brains are no good for thinkin.. Well fast forward 6 months and I realized we hadnt seen much of john. Total ignoring is needed, no socialing of any kind. If you would answer those questions it would be so helpful. Ultimately, we can only predict what a person might do, rather than know with 100% what they will do. Cheaters are impulsive, and can't resist taking that risk despite what it might cost them. These needs may be sexual or emotional. The loss of self-esteem, self-worth, trust, hope, concentration, confidence. Hating you or wanting to smash your face is her normal knee jerk reaction to his bad behavior. "Theyre very vague when it comes to telling you about their life or what goes on when youre not around," Ricciardi says. She knew what she was doing and she played it to the hilt. Also, my two cents on your own traits that correlate with the list. I have always told my h, watch how he talks to women, because they can take it as if he is interested in them. There are no repercussions for his actions, 12. anyway husband, or anyone else in the past, has acted inappropriately with other women in my prescense presence, just behind my back. He knew how to cast the line to see if shed bite and she bit, all he had to do was reel her in and brush up on his cunning so his wife could be fooled again. Very respectful, church going, seemed normal. I talked with certified psychiatrist Dr. Susan Edelman, who specializes in women's issues and relationships, to learn what's going on in the mind of a serial cheater. These women are a standard archetype in the daytime soap operas, but one just does not expect to see such obvious examples in real life. Seriously, dude??? I like people but I need my space. Serial cheaters dont think cheating is as big of a deal as one-time cheaters do. He has always kind of been a flirt when I take my youngest to see him, even though he is married. It would be pretty ignorant if I did. 1. But the most dangerous one is a Serial Cheater.They will cheat again and again but still want to stay married. I also prefer alone time, despise talking on the phone & texting, would rather listen than talk, love to read, cook, garden, watch movies by myself. On the other hand, if there is another person who has no boundaries in his or her behavior and then has most of these traits and then allows these traits to take over his personality, then he is going to be highly likely to cheat. They only thing I would add is, take the bitch back to the parking lot and beat the crap out of her!!! Anyhow, this is how I have always been around men, even when I was single. Are they quick to change the subject? Typically, most married men who are serial cheaters begin to groom their intended target by showering them with compliments, acting as a shoulder to lean on, or even going so far as to bring them . You become paranoid, and you continuously look for signs of their. I could not have predicted the way this thread would go a year ago I am bowled over by your compassion! Just like the idiot assistant I hired. Im sure she thought because my H had had an affair he would be easy picking so I caught her many times trying to make small talk. Time differences and post-update-delays conspired against me! And the most important question you are asking yourself. So many people have been affected by this mess, and theres a 6 year old whos going to have it the worst. They know how to use their charm in order to win people over pretty easily. When my friend tried to leave for good, he turned up the heat and was quasi-stalking her. His wife should ditch him, in my opinion. Im addicted to it but it kind of keeps so much that I want to let go, front-of-mind, and sometimes I question if Im hindering or helping my recovery! I really appreciate your input. Dont want to deal with financial requirements: A third most important fact is that serial cheaters dont want to deal with the financial requirements of divorce. They dont want to break up the family or start over. Yeah well she was fired after oh about 6 months. I gave her a good fight, I wasnt about to hand my life, my husband and my children to her on a silver platter, she didnt deserve any of it. Why do cheating husbands stay married? In other words, theyre gifted with charm and rhetoric and what to say, others not so much. Lolololl. Cousin It definitely has character flaws and why he would choose to hook his wagon up to that should make you want to look more closely at your husbands own flaws and weakness not the weakness in your marriage. What our study and others suggest is a powerful factor that prevents us from cheating is our emotional reaction to it, how bad we feel essentially, and the process of adaptation reduces this reaction, thereby allowing us to cheat more., With serial cheaters, it could be the case that they initially felt bad about cheating, but have cheated so much theyve adapted to their ways and simply dont feel bad about cheating any more. The ap for you, the ow/om for us, although we know they arent worth the time or space in our minds, they have caused so much havoc in our lives, that it is hard for us to truly let go of the thoughts that come to mind, and we end up getting emotionally tired and upset, just wanting them to leave our minds for good. This is just too much to deal with alone. My h didnt want to end up alone. We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. So being friendly and having people on her side would have helped, I think. Maybe he thinks they can work out their marriage problems and hes ready to end the affair with the other woman. Its all unreal and a fantasy but these alternative scenarios have to exist in their minds and in their stories. Lastly, its recommended to attend couples therapy after one partners been unfaithful. Before we know why they want to remain married, lets talk about a Serial Cheater. As Graber says, "Risk takers may discover that cheating provides them with the same adrenaline rush as other risky behaviors." To understand why people serially cheat, it's important to take note of what our collective definition of cheating is. But not only are a cheater's secrets not fun, they're rarely shared with anyone. And the ones who arent so pretty are the ones I get to meet! Prior to getting married to my husband, I let him know point blank that the person he was getting is not someone he can train to be a certain way as if I were a pet. Saw the previews and it looks like the wife and the (several) mistresses of a married man gang up on him together after they all discover each other. "Serial cheaters are often unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others,"says Alsaleem. If I were her, I would have probably called you to hear your side. Oh lucky me! I have observed many a decent woman become temporarily fooled by a married, male narcissist in the office. Unfortunately, he may not realize that staying in an unhappy marriage can create a far more toxic environment for them. If you were the type of ow I had to deal with, I would have thought myself lucky. I was humiliated at family functions she attended. Thankyou Sarah, but honestly its ok. Serial cheaters get and stay married because on some level they too want a companion to share their life with. Well she was also very stupid because once I saw it and her ineptitude she was gone. I think serial cheaters are the same way, even when they arent doing anything they are just one step away from it. I am fine, I knew along time ago, that she must have had an eye on my h, just by the rumours her h apparently spread about her. They view the world as a competitive marketplace, one where they must be on top, or the other person will beat them. After he starts having affairs, it is easier for him to continue than to find other ways to handle marital frustration. Unless they have undertaken a long-term process of behavioral modification with the help of a professional, it would be better to assume they will not change. Keep in mind, they're chronic liars, but they're not smarter than everyone else. She had arranged it, and had placed them down as h and w, but using her first name and our surname. As for his wife, if her reaction to you is true, she obviously did not see her husbands contribution and that indicates he was playing both of you like a violin. Before taking any concrete action I would seek the advice of a knowledgable professional. So SR to answer your question. They do not want responsibility for their actions and their exes will mostly be discussed in a bad light. It is even more heartless that she was attempting to make an innocent woman and her children homeless just so she could conveniently have someone else pay for her kids and bills. Turns out it wasnt anything I had done, it was all she was doing, she planted her bait, and let him nibble at it, until she hooked him, by playing with his head. But more importantly, they will do their best to prove to you that they're going to be faithful moving forward. I think one thing bothering me after my husband cheated was that I felt I had to act like someone I wasnt. Fool me twice, shame on me. That phrase originated because of this phenomenon of repeating bad behavior. Its relatively rare for a married man to fall for the other woman. If you think that hes in love with you, its most likely just the excitement and infatuation that hes feeling since its been so long since hes been with someone new. Im with you bud. Even so, he keeps on cheating again and again because of two reasons - they can't live without it and they know they can get away with it. She figured that way, he would have no contact with me, he would not need to give me child support, yet I would have to give him child support instead, so her little pocket stays full of money. While not all risk-takers are serial cheaters, people who have difficulties controlling impulses may be more likely to cheat. According to Callisto, individuals might opt to stay in this kind of relationship more because of how they feel about themselves rather than anything to do with their cheating partner. She is no more than shit on the bottom of your shoe but always be aware there are many people out there just like her waiting to pounce. Then, be receptive to the injured party's . Narcissists smell that out just like sharks smell blood. The very act of sneaking around may also excite them. Definitely, I know, although they want to act single, they dont want to be alone either. You may have caused a lot of trouble trying to break a family, but let me tell you this. As there are no plans of exit and they don't have any powerful path where they can stay, they just manage to understand their partner and stay married. Ive been reading the comments since the end of last year, the ones about being betrayed by friends left me with a deep sense of sorrow for the posters but I was foolish to think that would not be my reality This second sexual affair was with a friend Words fail me right now in describing the depth of disgust I feel towards my husband and this fake friend; I had to take down all the wedding pictures off the wall Im dealing with a serial cheater clearly. Repeat cheaters may be prone to infidelity because of an addiction to sex. I asked if his wife had got my letter and he said yes she saw it but she still wants to smash your face against a wall. It's even harder when you realize it may not be the first time your partner has cheated on you or on their former partners. Interesting to see what people come up with. By the way, my best friend of thirty years said the same thing about taking the B out to the parking lot to settle it once and for all. They Keep Telling Themselves They Will Change. I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry I am that this ordeal is dragging out and that some careless, narcissistic (and possibly sociopathic) woman wont bother to just go away with at least one minute shred of dignity in tact. The answer is, you can't. She finished a management 2 year degree and was employed in the same large company, but in marketing. Top 12 True Signs He Will Cheat In The Future. She explained that this question, though a valid and rational reaction, is certainly a hard one to answer. I dont think you were too harsh, Trying. "This is a huge habit for a serial cheater because it helps their guilty conscious," Ricciardi says. These traits just make him more than likely to have affairs and continue having them. You take yourself right out of that Cinderella princess fantasy land that you meant something to him because you didnt. My h would always say to me, how bad he felt for his skank, ohh the poor thing had such a horrible marriage. Shame and embarrassment especially when you tell what happened to your circle of friends. You begin to distrust your own sense of reality. First, you need to find out if the cheating party is truly sorry and decide if both of you want to stay together. How Does Long Distance Relationship Work? Fast forward to the tenth time she hooks up with Prince Charmings best friend, and Cinderella doesnt give a single damn. All too often, respect is the one crucial thing that is constantly . He used to tell me she was not very smart, she needed help with everything. BTW we have had the no opposite-sex rules of no lunches, no texting without disclosure of whats going on, but he does not ever at all follow the rules except the lunch one. Michelle Brown. He was stubborn and controlling, threatened suicide, depressed and angry). There is a saying, once a cheater, always a cheater. He got married to the woman and they even went to my ex business partners vacation home for their honeymoon. I saw the good in you, and I could see how desperately you wanted to seek help. To that end, Ive heard some of his phone conversations with female vendors etc and have called him out on it. I cannot tell you how many of my husbands female co-workers I have had to warn away in some way or another. Strength, EOs MM had cheated before. I admire you, I admire you for putting your best foot forward, and swallowing your pride, by sending a letter to your ap wife. I can smell that shit a mile away. I see them in therapy, and theyre ready to change; its usually because theyve gotten older, theyve gotten wiser, theyve destroyed their life, and theyre basically alone and miserable. One of the main reasons is Serial Cheaters dont have any backup or exit plan to divorce their partner cause they never thought of getting caught. 20. Our whore tried to ruin every possible way. Every cheater thinks they are the one who can have an affair with no repercussion or fallout or collateral damage. Of course, at the time I did not know he was cheating on me in fact, I had to hear it from a third party 6 weeks after he broke up with me and I had moved out. Its a common misconception that cheaters dont care about their wives. Still, I would like for this lady to chill out and back off. Hes a good guy who got caught up and manipulated in something he was just not smart enough to get out of. I truly believe shes a very nice person who got sucked in by a self serving narcissist. One-time cheaters are less likely to view cheating as a way to get an adrenaline rush. He is a serial adulterer, and you are not. That is the only way to be since trying to fix someone ultimately ends in frustration and bitterness. I also keep A LOT close to my chest. Cheaters become addicts, and just like my friend John the crackhead and how he remembered the exhilaration of the high of the drug and just couldnt resist going back to the gutter, the OW may be out of their life and tossed to the curb like yesterdays trash, they will always remember the exhilaration of the high they get. Not wishing to stir but I do wonder how many BSs on this site are being hoodwinked into believing that this was their hs first crime, when actually there were more that were never disclosed? Weve all acted with boorish behavior, the trick is knowing and acknowledging it, accepting it and change. So 23 it is.. Who would have thought after such a nightmare, that we could have pushed through for another two years under our belt of huh hmmm marital bliss. Heh heh. In some cases . What it boils down to is opportunity, lack of personal moral code, and a great talent for lies, manipulation and entitlement. He wants to have it all and he doesnt want to have to choose between his wife and the other woman. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. "Cheating can be emotional, and/or physical. Think twice about giving a second chance when: Your partner had an affair with an ex-partner. Anyway he invested heavily and even took on a partner. Long way, and you have been so insightful too. Youve come a long way over the last 2 years. In my free time, I'm usually traveling, hiking, or trying a new kind of tea. Doug and Linda, maybe yall could do an article on nine traits that indicate you are less likely to cheat. Always trying to be entertaining, engaged, funny, etc. If this type of personality enters into an affair and loves the feeling, it is highly unlikely he will go back to faithful behavior. So basically, the more times a person cheats, the better they feel about cheating, so they do it again. Those are great recommendations in fact, I have done all of them, including keeping a log of emails, except I have not yet confronted her. Even so, he keeps on cheating again and again because of two reasons - they can't live without it and they know they can get away with it. (And thats before Karma kicks inwhen Karma starts to do its work watch out!). How and why did it end and who ended it? He also may be afraid of losing custody or that his children will feel angry with him when they find out the truth. Here's Why Serial Cheaters Keep On Cheating, According To Science. For numerous reasons, but most of them are quite selfish. Do not give one single day to cousin It and her selfishness and meanness. Your heart must have been broken. Possiblymany couples do. I have let him know before how he attracts these types, but he is genuinely naive about this because he is just being himself. If you wanted to call, you would hsve called. Stupid skank, she may have thought she got what she wanted when they were overseas together, and the poor little wife didnt have a clue, but she had reality slap her in the face, on his arrival home. But if your partner starts seeing other people behind your back, don't be surprised if the first sign of infidelity is distance. How do I get rid of whiteheads on my nose naturally? Between alimony and spousal support, any divorce can be a financial nightmare. Detective Gomez, of the Gomez Detective Agency, lists a few potential warning signs of a cheating partner, including: Compulsive cheaters will go to great lengths to hide that behavior from a partner.